Friday, August 25, 2006

DIY

Last Saturday, after weeks of nagging, I finally agreed to make my wife happy and sort out all my old junk. As I was going through some old books, gadgets and clothes, I came across an old Walkman that I haven’t used for years. With the world of Ipods, portable CD players and even MP3s in mobile phones I knew that I would never dare walkabout with an old Walkman in my hands. So, like any old boy with a toy, I decided to dismantle it.

I looked all over the house for a suitable screwdriver but couldn’t find any. What house in this day and age does not contain screwdrivers? I even looked in my wife’s bag but apart from some scissors, nail clippers, panadols, old bills, photos, twenty-year-old ID cards, out of date chewing gum and a tiny torch! I couldn’t find any screwdrivers.

I stopped what I was doing, got dressed and went out to the High Street. It was important to have screwdrivers in the house. I knew that I could clear the junk some other time, it can wait, but the screwdrivers could not. What if one of the kids locked themselves in the toilet at three o’clock in the morning and I needed some screwdrivers to unscrew the door from its hinges? What if one of them put my beloved remote control in the video and I needed to get it out? Buying those screwdrivers was of the utmost importance.

As I was walking down the High Street, I spotted a friend of my wife’s coming out of the local supermarket. She was carrying loads of shopping and was trying to drag it all home. I’ve only met this woman once before, when shopping with my wife. I wasn’t sure how close they were but they did say hi and seemed happy to see each other. I couldn’t just walk away and watch her drag all that shopping on her own. So, I went over, introduced myself and asked her if she needed any help. She recognised me straight away and was grateful for my help. Once we got to her house, she insisted that I come in and have a cup of tea. I tried to make my excuses and leave but she wouldn’t have it and even offered to lend me her set of screwdrivers! I went in.

I stayed in her house for fifteen minutes and she told me all about herself and how hard it was for her to live in a three-bedroom house in her own. She offered me the screwdrivers again and said that she has no use for them because she was not that good with DIY jobs and had nobody to do them for her. I almost got chivalrous again and was about to offer to help her out but got distracted by her dog that started sniffing my feet. I quickly had to remark that though dogs are cute they have a very bad habit of sniffing people’s feet, even when these people are wearing CLEAN socks.

At the first chance of a pause in the conversation, I decided that this was a good time to leave. I thanked her for the tea, accepted her thanks for the help and politely asked her to come and visit us then left. I forgot to go back to the High Street.

When I got home, my wife was seething and asked me about the mess I made in the house. I tried to placate her by telling her about the screwdrivers and explaining the logic of their importance but she just was not listening. I told her that I was about to clear it all up but she dismissed me with a wave of her hand and said “leave it alone, you’ll only go and make more mess”.

She was upset. She was going to punish me, like she always does, by going silent and giving me accusing looks for eternity. It was only Saturday afternoon! I tried to sweet talk her, tried to make her laugh and even contemplated apologising but nothing worked. Those accusing looks still followed me around the house. I resigned to my fate and slumped my self on the sofa. She started unnecessarily tidying up and mumbling to herself loudly. She went on about some strange kings that make a mess and expect their unpaid servants to clean after them. The woman was losing her mind!

After an hour of this distressing treatment, I couldn’t take it anymore and had to try to convince her that I’m not really all bad. She wouldn’t have any eye contact and kept turning away every time I tried to stand in her line of vision.

“Going to the High Street wasn’t such a bad thing you know. I even got to help your friend carry her shopping”, I said.

“What friend?” she asked.

“Gina! You know, the one you introduced me to when we were in that electrical shop”, I said.

“Why did you have to help her?” She asked, suddenly looking all interested and surprised.

“Erm, because she’s your friend and I thought it would be a nice thing to do” I replied.

“She’s not my friend, she’s only a girl I went to school with,” she answered petulantly.

“Well, I thought she was your friend and I even helped her carry her shopping all the way to her house. She offered me a cup of tea”, I said.

“Did you accept?” she asked, her eyes widening!

“She insisted” I replied.

“Did. You. Accept?” she asked again.

I panicked and whimpered the word ‘Yes’.

If the eyes are the windows to the soul, then my wife’s eyes at that moment were so wide open I could see the bunk bed in her heart compartment, if I stood on tiptoes. And no, it didn’t have my name on it.

“You shouldn’t help such women out you know”, she said calmly and in a motherly voice!

“Why not?” I asked.

“Because Gina is a man-eater and you’re no good around women. She’ll take advantage of you” she replied lovingly.

“No woman could take advantage of me. I’m an African lion and it’s I who is the woman-eater” I replied angrily.

“If you ever see her again, just avoid talking to her” she replied rolling her eyes.

“ But she can’t take advantage of me. I’m not a silly child,” I protested.

“You don’t know what she’s like” she pleaded.

“I don’t care what she’s like. She’s lucky I didn’t jump her right there and then in her living room,” I proudly declared.

“You wanted to ‘jump her’?” She screeched.

“No, No. I’m just saying that if I wanted to and if I were the advantage taking type, I could have”, I quickly explained.

“Stop talking nonsense. You’re no match for her. Just stay out of her way” She replied dismissively and walked out of the room.
I slumped back on the sofa and started planning my scheme of taking advantage of Gina. “I’ll show her DIY” I said to myself with a satisfied chuckle. Just as I was about to get up and go to Gina’s house to offer my services, I heard one of the children shout from the toilet!
 


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