Kissing on TV!

Yesterday, after I got back home from work and got ready to put my feet up for the evening, my three-year-old daughter caught me out with an unanswerable question! She said “dad, why do men kiss women?”
I lazily replied, “Because they love each other”
She said “but why do they have to take their clothes off when they kiss?”
I was alarmed by the directness of the question and the advanced state that three-year-old brain was in, and had to sit up on the sofa and blink at her for a few seconds!

I knew that, one-day, I would have to deal with such queries but in my mind, that ‘one day’ was years away. I was not prepared for such a question and, frankly, did not have a ready-made answer that was not blunt and to the point. It was obvious that honesty will not do here. I may be pensive, slapdash and laid-back but even I know that you can’t be frank about sexual matters when talking to a three-year-old! I did what every father the world over has always done. Told her to go ask her mother.

She cleverly massaged my ego with the words “Mother doesn’t know anything. You know everything” and I almost blurted out everything I knew about sex, which really, now that I think about it, isn’t a great deal and mostly consists of the words bang, bang, bang and much sniggering. With hindsight, I think that would have been a great reply. Wish I let my natural instincts rule my head now.

What I really did however is tell her that she’s too young and that she would not understand even if I tried to explain. She asked WHY! I repeated the ‘too young’ excuse. She shouted “but I’m not a baby you know. I can count to ten”! I got a great idea! I asked her to count to ten in the hope that this would distract her. She did. After much laughing, clapping of hands and praise, we were silent for a few minutes. “You’re a good girl,” I said. She smiled at me and said, “See, I’m not a baby”. I knew where that comment was leading and started asking her about her day and what exciting things she got up to.

Women. They’re the same everywhere and at every age. Once they got the bit between their teeth they never let go! She told me that she spent the day playing with the neighbours’ girls and that they told her about seeing a naked man kissing a naked woman on TV. She said that they told her this was a naughty thing to do or talk about. I nodded my head with relived agreement. “But why is it naughty?” she innocently asked. “You sometimes kiss me when you give me a bath” she added. I started feeling dizzy and wanted to fly (vertically) out the room. She stood there, staring at me with a look that said ‘you better not fob me off with some weak explanation, I’ve got you where I want you’! I blinked. I then put my serious face on, the one that tells her that she did something wrong and that if she does not stop she’ll be in a lot of trouble. She didn’t even notice!

My children being so young and innocent are still at that stage where they think I’m the greatest man on earth. I know everything. I can do everything and I have an answer for everything. Of course, one is never vain enough to believe all of that. However, on this occasion my daughter was right. Even I was amazed at the quickness of my mind and how I plucked out a knockout reply from thin air, that I started wondering if my children were not right about my great abilities after all! I triumphantly told her that “me giving you a shower and kissing you on the cheek is not at all like a naked man kissing a naked woman. I’m always fully clothed, silly”. I gave her a mocking laugh to help drive my point home (with the addition of a couple of na na nana naas). It was the worst thing I could have ever done!

“Why is it different?” she asked with narrowed eyes.
“Because it is,” I replied.
“But why?” she asked again.
“Because the big fat spider said so,” I replied with a smile.
She laughed and said, “You’re silly”.
“You too” I chuckled.
She ran to the other end of the room and shouted as she laughed, “Try and catch me”. I told her that I was tired and didn’t have the energy to run. “If you drink lots of milk you’re going to have lots and lots of energy” she wisely said.
“Really?” I asked.
“Yeah” she said.
“Ok. Go to your mother now” I replied.
She crept slowly to the door and lingered there quietly. I tried not to notice but she started singing to herself. “What are you still doing here?” I said.
“I don’t know,” she said.
“Hmmm” I mumbled.
She slowly walked over to me and sat watching the TV.
There was a kissing scene on Hollyoaks! A stupid kissing scene!
I changed the channel and did my best to ignore her gaze.
When I finally couldn’t resist and did look at her I saw that she was not even with me. She was lost in thought. A three-year-old lost in thought! What in the world would induce a three-year-old to be lost in thought? Was she in so much debt that she had to pawn her teddy? Was she contemplating self-employment to free herself from the control of tyrannical and megalomaniacal bosses? Did she oversleep this morning and miss the latest episode of Bratz?


Suddenly it came to me. Of course, I’m making it sound so easy and simple but that’s not how it did happen. To try to guess what a three-year-old is thinking about is like searching for a needle in a haystack. It’s hard but not impossible. Plus those that manage to find the needle in the haystack are probably very happy with their discovery and would boast to all and sundry about their great search skills. I was not happy to find my needle. This needle though not difficult to find was still painful to pick up.

She was thinking of the kissing scene on TV! I knew she was. The minute the idea crossed my mind I knew this was what she was thinking about. I decided to bring her thoughts out to the open and sort this problem once and for all. It’s not a healthy start in life for a three-year-old to be thinking about men and women kissing, naked, on TV.

I was prepared for a long and tedious argument as I asked her “What are you thinking about?”
She turned her head calmly towards me and said “I’m thinking about the man that was kissing the woman in the TV. He is naughty”.

I frowned and said to her “look here girl it’s time you stopped talking about men kissing women on TV or out of it. It’s not nice and it’s very naughty”.
“I know” she said, “It’s very naughty”.
“Good girl” I said.

Her mother walked into the room. She ran to her and shouted “mommy, mommy, if a naked man kisses a naked woman it is very very naughty”.
“Who told you this?” asked the love my life
“Dad” replied the light of my eyes
“Why are you teaching the poor child all this nonsense?” enquired my wife angrily “she’s far too young for this sort of stuff”.
“I didn’t. I was only trying to reply to her question,” said I.
“Stop blaming it on the child. What would a three-year-old know about such things?” said she with the look of someone that was assaulted by the runny faeces of a passing pigeon.

I flailed my arms about, opened my eyes wide and innocently shouted “You think I brought up this topic?”
“I don’t know who did and I don’t care. It’s not an appropriate topic for a three-year-old” she resolutely replied.

“What do you mean you don’t care? You just accused me of corrupting our three-year-old child,” I angrily shouted as I pointed a reproachful finger at her.
She flinched, took a step back and changed the subject with the words “you don’t have to be aggressive. It’s quite hurtful and scary you know”.
“What? And accusing me of corrupting our child is not?” I shouted as I carried taking a few more steps towards.

She started crying. Her daughter starting crying with her and asking me to leave her alone! I panicked. I knew I was right to get angry about her insinuations and knew I was right to tell her so, but I also knew that now she started crying whatever I was right about is wrong. I started apologising to her and, like a cobra tamer, walking slowly towards her with outstretched arms and alert eyes. She recoiled back and sobbed some more; I started murmuring some soothing words and gently walking towards whilst waving my outstretched arms in a clockwise manner until I was close enough to put one hand on her head! I gave her a hug and started apologising for upsetting her and make all sorts of excuses to explain my behaviour (even though I knew I was right). She kept telling me, in between her sobs, that it was ok and I had nothing to apologise for. I was so relived that this episode didn’t last as long as previous arguments that I couldn’t stop myself from showering her with lots of apologetic kisses.
“Eeew, daddy is being naughty,” giggled my three-year-old snitch.