Eggs, Sperm & Facebook

The other night, I got woken up at the three o’clock in the morning by my frantic wife! I knew something was wrong from the way she was shaking me and whispering ‘wake up! Wake up’.

‘There is someone downstairs’ she said.

‘Who? What time is it?’ I sleepily asked.

‘It’s three in the morning and there is someone downstairs. I think it’s a burglar’ she whispered.

‘A burglar? Naah! I think you’re just being paranoid’

‘No. I am not. He is making too much noise. Actually, I can hear voices too. There must be more than one. Wake up and go check’.

‘More than one and you want ME to check?’

‘Are you scared?’

‘No. But..err..maybe it’s your dad’

‘No. My dad is asleep. I can hear him snoring’.

‘Ok. Ok. I’ll go and check’

‘Wait! Do you think I should call the police?’

‘No. We don’t even know if it is a burglar yet. Let me check first’.

So, I quietly tiptoed downstairs with a toilet brush in one hand and a can of lynx deodorant in the other. I could hear people’s voices. They were female voices! All the lights were on as I slowly walked towards the kitchen.

Around the dining table, sat my three children. They were drinking milk and having the weirdest conversation anyone could have at that time of night!

‘Men have something called sperm inside them and women have eggs’ the eight year old was saying.

‘How many eggs?’ asked the five-year-old boy.

‘Two’ replied our resident oracle.

‘Do I have eggs?’ Asked the six-year-old girl.

‘Yes. All girls have eggs inside them’ replied the oracle.

‘What is a sperm?’ asked the boy.

‘It’s like a tadpole’ said the oracle.

‘What’s a tadpole’ asked the six year old.

‘Urgh! You don’t know anything! A tadpole is a baby frog’ replied the impatient oracle.

‘Where is my sperm?’ asked the boy.

‘In your tummy’ said the condescending oracle.

‘Are my eggs in my tummy too?’ asked the six year old.

‘Yes’ said the oracle.

‘Do you have eggs too?’ asked the six year old.

‘Yes. ALL girls have eggs’ replied the irritated oracle.

‘Can my eggs break?’ asked the six year old.

‘Yeah! If you run too much or fall down you will break your eggs and then yellow stuff will come out of your bottom’ said my logical boy.

‘No. I don’t think you can break your eggs. They are protected by your body’ said the oracle.

‘Not even if I jump real hard?’ said the six year old.

‘No.’ said the older girl.

‘How about if I punch her real hard in the tummy?’ asked the boy.

‘Urgh. I said NO!’ replied the exasperated oracle.


At this point, I decided to sneak slowly back to the bedroom and try to sleep. My anxious wife was standing by the bedroom door as I passed her to get to the bed and looked shocked to see me glide past her.

‘What are you doing?’ she whispered.

‘I am going to bed’ I whispered back.

‘What’s going on downstairs?’ she asked.

‘Go and have a look’ I said.

‘Oh grow up and tell me what’s going on’ she said.




‘It’s the kids. They’re all awake, having milk downstairs and talking about how babies are made’ I yawningly replied.

‘NO!’ said she.

‘Yes’ I replied ‘of course, I think this whole thing is a dream and I’m dying to wakeup so I can tell you all about it’ I added.

‘The kids are downstairs and you just left them there without doing anything? What if they drink bleach or something?’ she incredulously asked.


‘The egg and sperm massive are a tad too advanced for bleach and other childish accidents’ I replied as I covered my head and tried to adjust my pillow.


I woke up the next morning to find out that it was not a dream. Seems the middle one was thirsty and woke the others up to accompany her downstairs.



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I got home yesterday to be confronted by my six-year-old daughter. She held my hand and dragged me to the PC without allowing me to change or even take my shoes off.

'Look!' she said. 'I've got a facebook account'.
'You're not old enough for a facebook account' I told her.

'I know' she knowingly replied 'I lied about my age'.

'Lying is not nice' I told her.

'Will I get in trouble?' she asked.

'No. But you have to delete the account' I said.

The eight year old jumps in and says 'I have a facebook account too, am I old enough?'

'I don't know what the age limit is' I said 'but I think you're too young too'.

'She is the one that created my account for me' said the six year old.

'This is fraud' I told them. 'You can't pretend to be an age you're not'.

'Mum always lies about her age' said the eight year old.

‘That reminds me, where was your mother when you were creating these accounts?' I asked.

'She was here. We asked her if it was ok and she said yes' replied the older girl.

'Do you have a facebook?' asked the younger girl.

'Yes. But I am old enough to have one. It's boring anyway' I replied.

'Can you add me as your friend?' she asked 'I don't have any friends' she added.

'That's because most children your age can't write properly' I said.

'I can write!' she protested.

'I know you can. But not well enough to have your own facebook account'.

'I can WRITE' she insisted.

'Yes. Yes. You can. Can I go and change now?'

'Does this mean I can keep my facebook?' she asked.

'We'll talk about it when I come back'

I went to change and when I returned the older daughter said ‘Dad, give me the name of a college.’

‘I don’t know the names of any local colleges. We’re new to this area, remember’ I said.

‘Give me the name of any college’ she replied.

‘The college of Outer London’ I said.

She started typing. ‘What are you doing?’ I curiously asked.

‘Oh. I am updating my profile. You said I am not old enough, so I am trying to make myself sound older’

‘More lying?’

‘Everybody does it’

‘But you are not everybody. You know it is lying and you’re teaching your little sister to lie too. Do you realise this is actually illegal?’

‘Illegal? You mean I’ll get arrested for lying?’

‘Maybe!’

‘Oooh! I didn’t mean to lie. I swear I didn’t know it was illegal. I don’t want to get arrested, daddy’.

‘Hopefully you wont. We’ll just have to find a way to make your use of facebook legal’

‘How?’

‘I’ll create two accounts for you under my name’

‘Yay!’ Said the younger one.

‘That’s embarrassing’ said the older one.

‘That’s the only way you’re going to use facebook. Take it or leave it’ said I.

‘I don’t need a facebook account’ said the boy calmly ‘I always use mummy’s one’......