D E A T H !

I think I’m dying. It’s not a joke. I really think I’m dying.

I’m not sure what it is I’m dying of but I suspect it may be food poisoning! Three days ago, I had a takeaway. It was the only meal I had all day. It was a delicious meal and as I was eating it I was telling myself that I should have takeaways more often. But, three hours later, I was sat in the toilet (and on it) groaning away like a man holding his middle finger and trying to extricate a stuck ring! My stomach feels very tender, my back hurts, my thighs ache, I keep trying to stop myself from vomiting and I feel dizzy.


The food poisoning may kill me but it’s really not the reason why I think I’m dying. One of the real reasons for my imminent death is the shortness of breath I keep having every time I go to sleep at night. This has been happening for years but, lately, it got even more uncomfortable. You see, I’m the type of person that can not go to sleep with any lights on in the room. I have to sleep in total darkness or I don’t sleep at all. Therefore, every night, when I go to bed, I have to completely bury myself under the covers. But when I do, I feel claustrophobic and struggle for breath. On nights when I’m very tired I only need to hide under the covers for five minutes before I completely fall asleep and then, naturally and unconsciously remove the covers away from my face. However, I’m now getting old and my reflexes are not as good as they used to be! Where in the past when someone threw a punch at me I’d arrogantly (and quickly) crouch, touch the floor and then uppercut them all the way to Guatemala, I now merely touch my knee before breathlessly poking them on the chin. Before you start shaking your head and wondering what has that got to do with my sleep let me tell you that the answer is EVERYTHING. Just think about it for a minute, if my reactions have become that slow when I’m conscious and fully awake can you imagine how bad I am when I’m sleeping? What if one day, after I’ve covered my face and finally fell asleep, I forgot to take the covers of?

This is what happens to all those people that die peacefully in their sleep you know. I don’t want to die peacefully in my sleep. I don’t want to make the grim reaper’s job easier! In fact, I suspect that Mr Reaper despises this type of death. He probably considers such people a second-rate sort of corpse. I’m a man of principle, I want to amount to something in life and would also want my death to count. Accidental suffocation is not something I’d want to go to my grave with. Besides, I don’t think it’s a peaceful death at all.


Still, I know I’m dying. I’m not talking in a hundred years time when I’m a toothless old man. I’m talking today, next week or if I’m lucky next month at the latest. I’m not paranoid or a hypochondriac. I’m a reasonable, practical man. And when a reasonable, practical man finds a boil on his head a reasonable, practical man has good reason to fear death!
I found it whilst having a shower. Just as I put the shampoo on and started to happily shove it about the greying hair, I felt a sting! You see, on average, I frequently feel a sting in one part of my body or another as I’m having a shower. But that’s usually because I’m a clumsy person that walks into things and accidentally scratches his hands or legs. I only find out about these scratches when I’m having a shower and applying the shampoo, soap or shower gel. To feel a sting in one’s head is something totally different though. How in the world did I manage to accidentally scratch my head? I don’t even have long finger nails; I eat them all away with worry about being suffocated in my sleep.


This was a big boil. It was like a tiny volcano right in the middle of my head. It was gently spitting out hot lava and I felt its sizzling stings. I am going to die, I know I am. When this boil finally bursts and all my intelligence turns into yellow puss I’m going to fall asleep and forget to take the covers off my head!


I’m not sure if all of this is related, and I’m afraid to ask a doctor lest he confirm my looming death. But I get these headaches! I’m talking real, painful and blinding headaches. Sometimes I blackout for split seconds; usually when I’m trying to touch my knees and poke someone’s chin. I see lightening in my eyes and hear thunder in my ears. Whenever that happens I try to hold my breath and wait for the MOMENT. It would be great to say that at that time I lament the whimper and wish for the bang, or sit and do a hamlet-like soliloquy. But, truly, and I have to tell the truth now because I may die at any minute, all I say to myself is that: I’m going to die. Oh. My. God! I’m going to die. I’m GOING to DIE!


The wise people I spoke to all told me that everyone dies one day. But if I’m going to die I want it to be a special thing. I want people to talk about it in years to come and see how heroic I was. But no, I don’t want to die in a war or anything like that. Because what guarantees do I have that my side would win the war if I stormed the enemy’s front lines and died fighting? What if my death becomes nothing but the desperate actions of a glory-hunter? I don’t want to die in that way. In fact, I don’t want to plan my death. I want it to just happen. I want it to be peaceful. I want to die with an upset stomach, a blinding headache, scratches all over my body and a big dripping boil in the middle of my head. Nevertheless, I suspect that this is not going to happen. I already have all these problems and I’m not dead yet! Maybe my in growing fingernail is what will tip the scale!