SMOKING

When you’re a child you worry about being told off by your parents, elder siblings or teachers. You look forward to growing up and becoming independent. I never really understood the meaning of independence before but now I know it means not being told off by anyone. Well, other than your bosses at work but that is only when you mess things up or are constantly late. Even then, you are not really being told off, not like how your parents used to tell you off. You are an independent adult and you do what you like.


The other day, I had to walk my eldest daughter to school before heading for work. We strolled along talking about her literacy class and the Victorian era. This is how the conversation went:

Daughter: Queen Victoria was a horrible lady.

Me: Is that what your teacher told you?

Daughter: No. I saw it on Dr Who.

Me: But Dr Who is not real. It’s just TV.

Daughter: I know THAT. But the woman on Dr Who looked and dressed exactly like the painting of Queen Victoria that our teacher showed us.

Me: That does not mean she was horrible.

Daughter: Was she nice then?

Me: Err. I am not sure it is that simple. She ruled for a very long time and must have done horrible things. Anyway, is it not too early in the morning for all of this? What are you going to do at school today?

Daughter: There is a literacy competition in school today. Our class is going to talk about Queen Victoria. What shall I say when it’s my turn?

Me: Just tell them she was horrible. They’ll probably agree with your Dr Who logic.

Daughter (squinting her eyes at me): Stop making fun of me.

We were by the school entrance by then and I had no time to explain. She walked away without saying goodbye.

I had a very bad cold and was coughing as I walked to the tube station. Someone smoking a cigarette walked past me and I managed to inhale some of the smoke. It has been three years since I last had a cigarette. But with my annoyance with Queen Victoria and this bad cold of mine, I suddenly had a very strong urge to smoke a cigarette. One cigarette could not do any lasting damage, could it?


I walked to the nearest shop and bought me a golden B&H and a lighter. My throat burned as I inhaled my first puff. Maybe I was just out of practice and needed to inhale a few more before getting that great feeling back. I did. I started coughing madly and had to lean on some wall to get my breath back. This smoking business was not for me. I threw the cigarette away and carried on walking to the station as I wiped the tears from my eyes and attempted, but failed to control my coughing.


When I returned home that night, my wife, my mother and my eldest daughter were all sat in the living room and having a heated conversation. Not Queen Victoria again, I thought to myself as I walked in.

Wife: Did you go to the shop near the school today?

Me: Yeah.

Wife: What did you buy?

Me: Err..Chewing gum.

Wife: Are you sure?

Me: Yes I am. Why do you ask anyway?

Wife: Because when I went to get our daughter from school I passed by the shop and the owner commented about not realising that YOU were a smoker.

Me: Maybe he’s talking about someone else. I don’t even think he knows we’re married.

Wife: Strange! Our neighbour’s young daughter also said she saw you this morning when she was on her way to school. She said she was on the bus when she saw you walking to the station with a cigarette in your hand.

Me: Oh yeah. THAT? My cough was getting worse and I thought a cigarette might help.

Wife: How long have you been secretly smoking?

Me: I have not. It was only the one cigarette. It is no big deal.

Wife: Why did you lie and say it was chewing gum then?

Me: I don’t know. I did buy chewing gum though.

Wife: Of course you did. Secret smokers need something to hide the stinky smell of their mouths.

Me: No it wasn’t that. I just did not want to put people off with the smell.

Wife: Same thing really.

Mother: Starting to smoke at your age? What were you thinking?

Me: It was one cigarette, mum.

Mother: That’s what you said last time.

Me: That was twenty years ago! You’re not being fair here.

Mother: Smoking is bad for you and you know that.

Me: Stop talking to me as if I am some child. If I want to smoke, I will smoke.

Wife: She’s right; it is bad for you and YOU ARE acting like a child now.

Me: I don’t need any of this. I have a really bad cold, a headache and I am tired after a long day at work. Lets just drop the subject.

Wife (muttering to herself): Not before you drop the habit.

Me: I am not a child and I will have nobody telling me what to do. In fact, I am going to go and have a cigarette right now. As of today, consider me a smoker.

I stormed to the back garden and lit a cigarette from the full packet that I still had.


I have been smoking ever since and I hate the smell, the constant coughing and the taste. But I am an independent man and will not have anyone telling me what to do.